Curiogenic Intercourse

Let’s begin with a statement of the obvious:

Everyone is interested in intercourse.

And in case you’re wondering, this is not about sexual intercourse (although most people are interested in that, too). Once upon a time, before it became a euphemism for sex, the word intercourse meant communication or conversation. Its etymological roots reveal the essential concept of flow between (individuals) — a must for any fruitful connection.

But unlike the word intercourse, you won’t find curiogenic in the dictionary. We made it up. We needed a new word to describe something that generates curiosity and creativity rather than animosity and reactivity — something that can prevent a friendly conversation from degenerating into a combative, inflammatory, toxic debate.

Curiogenic Intercourse is a facilitated conversation format designed to cultivate nonjudgmental curiosity, creativity, cooperation, conviviality, connection, and collective intelligence.

Although the content may or may not be serious, the spirit of a curiogenic conversation is reminiscent of child’s play. Not the stilted play of children directed by adults, but the open-ended creative play of self-directed children guided by their curiosity, imagination, and desire for growth.

What happens when adult conversations are imbued with that spirit? What happens when we can be childlike without becoming childish? Why are so many of our most important conversations uncuriogenic?

The “Wrong” Approach

We think the primary cause of conversational strife is that the participants have been conditioned to evaluate each other’s statements as either right or wrong instead of listening with humble curiosity. When conversa­tion partners with differing perspectives judge each other to be wrong, their conversations ignite into heated battles or freeze into cold wars. Creativity shuts down, groups disintegrate, and friendships are lost.

Curiogenic Intercourse circumvents right/wrong judgments in a surprising and delightful way:  We make it okay to be wrong!  We decide that being wrong isn’t so bad. We might even look forward to realizing that we are “wrong” about something, because fun explorations and valuable growth are bound to follow.

This practice of deep humility liberates us from the burden of always needing to be “right.” When we realize that being 100% right is impossible (and boring), we are free to discover the nuggets of truth, love, and beauty in all the “wrong” views held by others.

By destigmatizing our fallibility, and embracing a shame-free definition of wrong, we make it safer to explore the kinds of ideas that would never surface in a context where vulnerability is perceived as weakness and saying the “wrong” thing can have devastating social consequences.

Through curiogenic conversations, we develop the courage to follow our curiosity wherever it takes us. Along the way, we discover that the old agenda of being “right” could never satisfy our desire to be connected — working, playing, and learning together.

Three Core Principles

When we enter a curiogenic conversation, we commit to upholding these principles:

1. Partnership is our primary orientation.
   We are conversation partners, connected by our shared purpose and humanity. In partnership, we can safely explore our differences, learn from them, and expand our collective wisdom.
2. Presence is our primary contribution.
   We are committed to staying present emotionally, mentally, and spiritually throughout the conversation. We recognize reactivity (being “triggered”) as a loss of presence that warrants our attention and support.
3. Agapē (unconditional love) is our primary aspiration.
   We do our best to let go of judgments that keep us from opening our hearts. We meet in “Rumi’s field” (beyond right and wrong) where it’s possible to hold each other “innocent until proven innocent.”

Six Curiogenic Intentions

During the conversation, we hold and actively demonstrate the following intentions:

1. Acceptance empowers us to acknowledge and stay present with what is, including the thoughts and feelings of others and ourselves.  Through acceptance we can listen deeply without judging.
2. Humility creates space for exploration and growth.  We demonstrate humility when we acknowledge that we don't see the whole truth.  With humility, we can suspend disbelief while trying on new perspectives, and we can enjoy discovering what we don’t know.
3. Curiosity energizes our exploration.  We unleash the energy of curiosity when we follow our inklings, go down rabbit holes, listen for clues, play with ideas, and ask “silly” questions — unabashedly.
4. Elevation empowers us to see the big picture and infinite possibilities.  By letting go of limiting views, opening our minds, and exploring multiple perspectives, we gain access to creative inspiration.
5. Creativity takes us where no one has gone before!  We may enter a group flow state, get brilliant ideas and insights, or simply have a wonderful time.
6. Integration gives our discoveries lasting value.  Through reflection, articulation, and gratitude, we integrate our realizations into our existing wisdom structures.

When curiosity leads to integration, we refer to each new realization as a “curio.” Collecting and curating curios is one of the practical purposes of a curiogenic conversation. So we are gaining wisdom and making it more accessible.

Best of all, the practice of Curiogenic Intercourse reunites us with the childlike curiosity that we’ve been led to believe has no place in the “real world” of adult concerns. We come to realize that, regardless of age, curiosity makes life more delightful simply by inviting life to delight us.